When the FBI arrested Theodore Kaczynski, noted Unabomber, April 3, 1996 in Lincoln,
Montana, USA Today reported that “lawyers from around the nation” hawked their services to
him. Being a cynical lawyer myself, I made my pitch.

Hey, Una (May I call you Teddy?)

I hear you’re getting offers from big-time lawyers like F. Lee Bailey, Johnnie Cochran,
and Alan Dershowitz to represent you. No doubt you can use the services of such first-rate
lawyers, but let me lay this on you. What you need, Teddy Baby is not a lawyer, but an agent!
Do you hear me? An agent!

Check this out: When the New York Times printed your lengthy manifesto, was there a
check in the mail? Are you getting royalties from publications that quoted from your work? All
the time you spent at Berkeley, Michigan State, and Columbia—where’s the payback? There’s
money to be made, and I can help you get a piece of the pie.

What can I do for you? Perhaps you remember Valerie Solonas, playwright and author of
the feminist tract, “S.C.U.M. Manifesto.” (What do you call the author of a tract? A tractor. Ha!)
Anyhow, Valerie had been passing out photocopies of her S.C.U.M. Manifesto on the street for
free. After she shot and almost killed Andy Warhol, I went after her. With me as her agent, she
became a published author of a real book with her picture on the cover! (You understand, of
course, if we put your picture on a cover, we’d have to clean you up a bit. Wouldn’t want to
scare the customers away, would we? Ha! Ha!)

As you know, Teddy Baby, if a lawyer gets you off, you’re still on the street with empty
pockets. You’ve already cranked out 10,000 words of nutty–and I might add, classical—prose
for your little manifesto. They pay writers by the word. The way you write, you could easily hurl
100,000 words.

I’m offering money and lasting fame. Think about all those zeros on your check. I’ll
think about my 10%.

Teddy, let’s do lunch. Email me ASAP at, and I’ll fax you a
contract that will keep you laughing all the way to the bank.

Love ya.